:: Poetry ::

:: Thursday, March 13, 2003 ::

why do i try
why do i continue
this failing fight
i am struggling
and failing
struggling
and getting no where
i am chained
from behind
and trying to run a race
but
i keep falling
backwards
never succeeding
always
running
getting no where
going no where
i am running
a losing race
fighting
a losing battle
wandering
around in circles
trying to find
my way
out of the maze
that is my life
this tunnel
has a light
very small
like a pin point
a million miles away
and it will take me
an eternity
to reach it
at the rate i am going
why
once again
why do i try?
:: sydinator 2:43 PM [+] ::
...

the pain
i want it back
the blood
dripping
through
my fingers
sliding
down my arm
i want to feel
i want to know
that i exist
that i am someone
that i am loved
i want to
understand
why.
alas
i will never
understand
i cannot feel
i cannot be
i cannot know
why it is
i am the way i am
i cannot
feel the pain
because
if i allow
myself
to feel
i
won't be able
to return
again
from the edge
of the cliff
i want to jump
to feel
the wind
on my face
i want to
see the ground
rushing up at me
and have
the pain dissapear
in an instant
have everything
dissappear
i want the pain
i need the pain
i need to know
i am real

:: sydinator 2:41 PM [+] ::
...

death follows me
like a lost child
searching
me
making me
feel
like there's no point
in hoping
no point
in life
no point
in trying
why do
i continue on this
everlasting race
with death
:: sydinator 2:41 PM [+] ::
...

hyperventilation
shallow
breaths
again
and again
never ending
pain
sharp
pain
in my chest
i am falling now
passing out
from the pain
passing out
from the
air
rushing into my lungs
and out again
before
anything happens
turning blue
falling
into oblivion
never
looking back


:: sydinator 2:40 PM [+] ::
...

i am a horrible person
frozen
and cold
i feel sick
to my stomach
i betrayed her
i didn't mean to
it was an accident
but still.
i did it.
and i feel like crap
my heart is beating fast
and i am finding it hard to breathe
i know what it feels like
to be betrayed
and i can't believe
i did this.
i can't believe
i could do something
like this
i hurt her
and i am so sorry.
:: sydinator 4:55 PM [+] ::
...

i died
inside
the day i heard
that you went away
that you left me alone
that i would never see you again
i died
when they told me you were gone
i knew i had failed
my heart exploded
words failed me
i couldn't catch my breath
i died
when i realized
you would never speak to me again
that i would never
ever
get to hug you again
do you remember
when we hugged
5 times
that day
we found it so funny
i cherish moments
such as those
i remember
when you told me you loved me
did you mean it?
if you loved me
how could you break my heart?
how could you leave me?
i'm dead
because
i couldn't save you

erh.. yeah.. i wrote that the other day, i was thinking about him like all day.. *sigh* i miss him soo much.. bleh..
:: sydinator 9:21 PM [+] ::
...