:: Poetry ::

:: Thursday, March 06, 2003 ::

gah! evil crap! not working? oh.. i see how it is.. grr.
:: sydinator 6:53 PM [+] ::
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erm.. yeah.. this is my site.. don't forget to sign my guest book.. see the little button underneath the title that says "linkies" w00t. sign it.
:: sydinator 6:52 PM [+] ::
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erh.. i forgot to post this one too.. whatever.
--
i can't handle this
pain
this utterly paralyzing sense
of foreboding
i can't take this life
i can't take the stress
i need my escape
the ever present remedy
just
beyond my grasp
i need to release
i need to forget
who i am
forget my suffering
in a moment of weakness
to see
the blackness inside of me
run through my fingers
in a crimson stream
to feel the water
falling from my eyes
pain
constant
consistant
throbbing
dull
in my chest
like i swallowed
a goat
i need
my soul
to die
and float away
so i cannot feel
so i cannot dream
i need to release
i am going to explode
burst into a million
zillion pieces
i hate this crap
i can't give in
i wish
i was strong enough to
continue on
but
i don't think i am
i need help
father
i need you to save me
please
i am drowning
sinking in the quicksand
carry me in your arms
and take me home
i don't want to imagine anymore

:: sydinator 4:45 PM [+] ::
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yeah.. i actually posted these waaaay out of order.. but whatever.. it doesn't really matter now does it? the ones at the end are the most recent, and there are ones from a long time ago mixed in and more recent ones.. whatever.. here are my newest poemems. have fun.
:: sydinator 4:42 PM [+] ::
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-Make Me New Again-
i'm dead to sin
alive in christ
free me lord
from this unrelenting sin
help me to completely let go
of the things of this world
and forcus on the things of you
let me be in the world
but not of the world
let me die to sin
and gain my new life in you
i want to be
everything you want me to be
let me show your love
to everyone i meet
wash away
all of the sins in my heart
and make me new again

:: sydinator 4:40 PM [+] ::
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-Listening-
i need you lord
to speak to my heart
let me know
which direction
you want me to go
tell me the plans
that you have for me
let me know
what purpose
i have in this life
why am i here?
let me know your will
let me stand
as an example of you
among the masses
let me furthur your kingdom
i'm here
ready to be used
listening...

:: sydinator 4:38 PM [+] ::
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-Life Without You-
its been 1 year
since i last saw you
1 year since you left this earth
i miss you josh
you were so funny
never ceasing to bring a smile to my face
there are so many memories
they make me laugh every time
i think of them
but those are all i have left of you
memories
its been so hard
living without you
going each day
without a hug from you
going each day
without your smile
there are no words
to describe
the impact you made on my life
to describe how much i love you
would be impossible
you were my brother
my friend
there is now a hole in my heart
that can never be filled
a void
you were one of the best people
i ever knew
and i will never forget you

:: sydinator 4:37 PM [+] ::
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--
i feel pain
emptiness
the cold steel blade of despair
digging into my flesh
i'm so scared
and alone
where can i go
to be free of
these chains
dragging behind me
i try to run to you
only to fall on my face
it seems
there is no point
to try
and break these bonds
i'm not strong enough
alone
i am alone
always alone
i can't do this
its too hard
the pain is eating me away
constantly throbbing
i need my savior
my father
break these chains
i want to run to you
to find refuge in your arms
i can't do this father
its too painful
i will only end up falling
save me lord
i'm crying out to you

:: sydinator 4:36 PM [+] ::
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-I Wish I Could Take It Back-
there are many things
running through my head
i don't know what to say
i'm at a loss for words
my stomach clenched
gripped with a dull ache
that just won't go away
i can't believe
i could be so heartless
so cruel
as to say things
to hurt you
i feel terrible
i never should have opened
my mouth
i never should've uttered a sound
it is better
for those thoughts
to sit and rot
where they were formed
than to run wild
rampaging
bringing pain to those i love
that is all i ever do
bring pain
it is my curse
no matter how hard i try
i end up hurting everyone
i'm so sorry
words cannot express
how thoroughly i hate myself
for hurting you
i know i don't deserve
forgiveness
but i pray
that you could see me
beneath the ugliness
of the words
and forgive
i love you
never forget that
and even if
you never want to talk to me again
i'll understand
but i will keep on loving you
no matter what

:: sydinator 4:36 PM [+] ::
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-Night-
the quiet moon
presides over the blackness below
silver cloaked ghosts
roam freely
among the living
darkness consumes me
in a deathlike sleep
i shudder
feeling so cold
nightmarish figures
haunt me
lurking in the shadows
making me wonder
is it all
just a dream?
and then i awaken
with beads of sweat
running down my spine
the evil night
in its mischeviousness
preys upon the innocent
creatures lurking
everywhere you cannot see
plagueing you
with visions
of it's horror

:: sydinator 4:35 PM [+] ::
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-Betrayal-
that feeling
the coldness
in the pit of my stomach
the gut wrenching pain
soul crushing despair
the piercing pain
of the knife in my back
blood dripping to the ground
landing in a pool
at my feet
tears fall slowly
down my cheeks
body wracking sobs
the unbelief
the horror
the pain
betrayal
feelings i can't handle
panic
hyperventilation
how could this happen
why would someone
who cares
hurt me in this way
it hurts so bad
breathing is unthinkable
all i want
is to sink
down to the depths
of darkness
to feel numb
anything to dull the pain
anything to stop the hurting
how could they?
how could they
do this if they loved me?
how could they make me feel
the agonizing sting
of betrayal

:: sydinator 4:35 PM [+] ::
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-Pressing On-
i'm done
i'm through
i can't keep walking
this path of pain
hurting myself
everytime
i'm sad and alone
i need you father
to mend these holes
in my heart
put the pieces back together
take me in your arms
i give it all to you
every hurt
every tear
all my burdens
i give them all
i put them in your hands
strengthen me lord
give me the courage
to continue on
day after day
i won't give up
even if i fall
i will get back up again
and keep pressing on

:: sydinator 4:34 PM [+] ::
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-Crawling-
i sit here
crying out to you
wondering how my life
became so messed up
how have i become so lost?
i've fallen father
so short of your glory
i do not deserve anything
you've given me
i am not worthy
of the love you show me
and the only thing
that keeps me moving
crawling really
is the realization
that no matter what i do
or how hopeless i am
no matter how many times i fall
you will still pick me up
and carry me when i'm too weak to walk
that you would still love me
when i don't love myself
that you would wipe away
everthing i've ever done wrong
and wash my blackened heart
and make me new again

:: sydinator 4:31 PM [+] ::
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-I Know-
through the darkness
i hear you calling me
through the pain
you carry me
when i'm by myself
when i feel alone
i know
you will never leave me
i know
you will love me
no mater what i do
no matter how many times
i fall
no matter how many stupid things i do
or how many stupid things i say
and no matter how hard i try
i will never
be able to repay
you
forever indebted to you
for what you did for me
for the sacrifice you made
and i know
that when i wander away
when i stray from the path you have set out for me
that you will follow me
and you will never let me go

:: sydinator 4:31 PM [+] ::
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-You Are There-
standing
in the midst of the crowd
knowing you are by my side
laying
awake in the middle of the night
knowing you are there
i'm hiding my eyes in shame
because of what i am
i'm falling on my knees
to praise you
for all you have done
i feel your arms
around me
no matter how
hopless life may seem
or how far
it seems i still have to go
you are there
always there
and despite all my iniquities
you love me anyway
my father
you paid the price
for me
a worthless sinner
there is nothing
i did
to earn your love
there is nothing
i can do
to make you stop loving me
and for that
i praise you

:: sydinator 4:31 PM [+] ::
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