:: Poetry ::

:: Wednesday, March 24, 2004 ::

A broken façade,
empty shades of charcoal painting my horizon
Rainbow smiles from beneath the dust.
hatred penetrating
the cold shield of ice
like white hot knives jabbing into my side

Your eyes,
glazed and unblinking.
Stare through the haze,
hypnotizing my mind.
Paralyzing.

I can’t love.
A heart frozen-
beaten behind countless sorrows
Painful regression

Shadowing demons behind every corner
Nothing is sacred, nothing is safe.
The tedium is unbreakable—unyielding
The sickness spreads through my body, my mind
Apathy, infecting every atom, every particle, every cell.
I have no will to move, no will to breathe.
Forcing my steps, my feet in a line,
leaving trails of dust behind me.

Where have I been?
Why would you ask?
Rhetoric idiosyncrasies, unanswerable riddles
Demonic presence- killing me [where has my mind gone?]
Circling, whirling, and twirling, round and round like a merry-go-round
I’m going to be sick.

Spill my guts to you, don’t look back
Leave them lying on the floor, entrails encircling my heart
Blood pooling from my lifeless body.
Skin melted from my flesh, hatred seething
Rainbow smiles

An empty façade, a broken trail.
The roller coaster is broken,
the track ends in the loop-de-loop,
and we all fall down

The incoherent babblings of a madwoman. And I thought I was the poet?
Who am I kidding.

:: sydinator 3:14 PM [+] ::
...

NEVER FORGET.

remember me
though your thoughts of me
are plagued with hatred and venom
remember me
though you never want to speak to me again
never forget the times we shared
never forget the tears we cried
never forget

if i were to leave here tomorrow
would you remember me?
would you cry?
would you care?
i carried you, you carried me
through the storm
through the pain
through the emptiness
we were together through everything
through hell.

i don't know where to go
i don't know what i know
i don't know how to say
i'm sorry

i just want to say
remember me
remember me
even though your love has grown cold
remember me
remember us
i love you sister
and my love will never fade.

:: sydinator 3:10 PM [+] ::
...

sleeping
death
final
release
[isitoveryet]

you don't understand
what is going on
[youhavenoclue]

just try to understand
open your mind
far enough
[yourbrainmayfallout]

i'm crying
sleeping
dying
shutting my eyes
screaming
covering my ears
just to drown out
this heavy pressing
nothingness
[smotheringmeitsurroundsme]

is this better for you
do you like to see me this way
huddled on the ground
eyes bloodshot
from sleepless nights
tossing
and turning
[can'tsleepforfearofyou]

i don't know what to do
with this pain
[constantpaineatingatme]
why do you torment me so?

can't you just leave?
LEAVE?

[isitoveryet?]
:: sydinator 3:37 PM [+] ::
...

an ode to my friends
you care
you're always there
waiting
for me
when i am lost in the dust
when i am struggling to catch up
doubled over on the ground
crying
you take me by the hand
and lead me
along the path of life
throughout all of the pain
throughout all the struggles
throughout it all
you have never left me
you have never abandoned me
you have always told me the truth
never lied
i am so greatful for you
there are no words to express
how much you mean to me
i just pray that you will forgive me
if i have ever hurt you
in any way
and i didn't understand
let it die
while i sleep
you are awesome
i love you all so much
thanks for being there
my ramblings on these pieces of paper
don't even compare
to how much you mean to me
thanks for everything
i am truly blessed
to have people like you
just
thanks
is what it boils down to
so i will stop rambling
and let you get back to your lives
thank you for being there
and i thank you that you
always care
and thanks for loving me
just as i am


:: sydinator 3:10 PM [+] ::
...

5-14-03
blank eyes
staring
always staring
unblinking
gazing into my soul
haunting me
eyes
pitch black
empty
frozen
cold
killing me
piercing me
turning me to dust
they're staring
always staring
boring a hole
in the back of my head
if looks could kill...
i'd be dead already
:: sydinator 10:34 AM [+] ::
...

5-14-03
a crimson line
etched across
the milky skin
of my wrist
pain coursing
through my entire
being
jeweled
beads of pain
rising to the surface
dripping from my arm
to the floor
i crave the sight
of the iron droplets
falling
i'm falling
i need the sharp focusing pain
to take me away from this hell
:: sydinator 10:32 AM [+] ::
...

5-12-03
an empty road
never traveled
haunted
by long forgotten dreams
long lost ghosts
of children
walking through me
around me
i can feel their presence
sense their tears
their cries resonating
i can feel the children whispering
echos of the dead
and dying
their eyes
dark and empty
black like the surface of the water
unbroken
glowing a fiery red
against the night
your inner demons
calling to you
on the haunted road
beckoning you to come
and follow them
take them by the hand
and let them lead you
down the path
to your ultimate destruction
the evil
awaits in the darkness
with jaws
to catch and snap
you in two
like a twig
i can hear the children calling me
bleading with their cries
begging me to hear them
their eyes
so empty
i'm haunted
by these long lost dreams
of the ecos
of the the tears
of the dead
:: sydinator 10:31 AM [+] ::
...

5-12-03
pain
sharply focusing
tearfully bringing
me startled back to reality
floating on the ceiling
staring at myself
from above
seeing my own horror
the blood seeping to the surface
the tears in my eyes
the pain
focusing
deeper
harder
closer
pinpointing
any disasters
on the horizon
:: sydinator 10:27 AM [+] ::
...

5-12-03
pulsing
flowing
throbbing
through my veins
blood
the life force
the essence
crimson droplets
spilling
falling through my fingers
creating
a puddle in the mud
a crimson stain upon the dust
blood
my jeweled droplets
of pain
stinging my soul
i can feel it
killing me with every breath
haunting me
taunting me
the pain
eating away at my heart
:: sydinator 10:26 AM [+] ::
...

5-9-03
you don't know me
though i know you so well
you don't see me
i see right through your shell
you can't find me
even if you looked
the space between us
can never be breached
never be crossed
you don't understand me
though time is to your advantage
experience is your friend
but you are still baffled
by the mystery
that is the brown haired girl
sitting in the corner
eyes downcast
writing in a book
tears leaking down her cheeks
you don't know her
and you don't really care
but
still the curiosity burns
at the back of your mind
where do her tears come from
you then turn
to me
and ask
i tell you
that you don't know me
and you wouldn't understand
because that brown haired girl
in the corner is me
"how can that be?"
you ask me bewildered
i tell you that i don't know
with a shrug
and a sigh
and i walk away
melting into the background
until all that is left
is a pen on the floor
and a sheet of paper
reading the words
"you don't know me
though i know you so well
you don't understand
the complexity of this paradox
the times aren't right
you wouldn't believe me
you can't know
why the words spill onto the page
like tears on silk
water in a river
you don't know me
and i don't really care"
confused you walk away
crumpling this piece of mystery
as i watch from my space
in the corner
invisible
as the velvet dust bunnies
and the crystal moths
wondering
if you'll ever learn
:: sydinator 10:24 AM [+] ::
...

5-9-03
pointing at me
why me
out of everyone
in that oh so crowded classroom
why was it me
they had picked
why was my number drawn
why was i sold to the dogs
they were pointing
leading me down the corridor
into a small room
questions
tears
unanswerable interrogations
whispered phone calls
hushed voices
worried glances
and i asked myself
and god
why me
why was it my turn
why was it my time
to wear a plastic bracelet
and walk through stark white halls
staring at thin faced psychiatrists
thinking to myself
why me
wearing pajamas all day long
shivering under hospital covers
alone
bed checks every 30 minutes
plastic forbidden, strictly speaking
and all i could ask was
why me
then i knew
why they had pointed at me
it was my destiny
to be led down the dark corridor
to the white walled halls
and the thin faced psychiatrists
always staring
they pointed at me for a reason
a reason i have to find
still locked behind
more doors in this dark corridor
that i am now walking
alone
:: sydinator 10:19 AM [+] ::
...

5-9-03
that feeling
intense, pounding
ringing in my ears
my eyes wide
scared out of my mind
my stomach
tied in knots
blood pulsing through my veins
my heart beating
a million miles a second
i'm alive
though i wouldn't know it
except for the constant
pounding in my head
never ceasing
booming
deafening
but eerily quiet at the same time
no one knew
of the drum beating
steadily within my skull
they couldn't hear it
they were oblivious to its rhythm
only i was plagued
by this constant noise
in my brain
my face torn in two
wrenched in terror
and pain
frozen
all except for the drum
still beating
always beating


:: sydinator 10:15 AM [+] ::
...

i am a corpse
yet still breathing
the wounds
the scars
on my torn apart heart
they will never heal
perpetually bleeding
never ceasing
crimson
drops
jeweled beads
frozen on my skin
shining
like rubies
upon the stark white snow
my body shaking all over
i'm so cold
shivering
frozen
my lips are turning blue
my face is collecting
shards of ice
as i am
escaping
into oblivion
leaving my pain behind
i am rising up
away
from my body
and as i'm looking down at the horror
of the world
i see it
lying there
so small- so insignificant
lying on the ground
with all of my pain
flowing freely
from the matter
that you could once
call human existance
but no longer
now i am just a thing
an it
i don't exist anymore
and a part of me is glad
glad for the release
glad that i no longer have to deal
glad that the eternal paradox is over
yet, at the same time
a part of me will miss this world
that i hate
this world that is so full of pain
a part of me will miss it
but the other part of me
will never miss this world
scorning the very day
i was brought into it
i'm dying
floating away
from everything
i ever knew
everything
that is pure
and true
everything that is
hellish
and full of terror
i am floating away
from it all
never
looking
back
:: sydinator 8:21 PM [+] ::
...

why do i try
why do i continue
this failing fight
i am struggling
and failing
struggling
and getting no where
i am chained
from behind
and trying to run a race
but
i keep falling
backwards
never succeeding
always
running
getting no where
going no where
i am running
a losing race
fighting
a losing battle
wandering
around in circles
trying to find
my way
out of the maze
that is my life
this tunnel
has a light
very small
like a pin point
a million miles away
and it will take me
an eternity
to reach it
at the rate i am going
why
once again
why do i try?
:: sydinator 2:43 PM [+] ::
...

the pain
i want it back
the blood
dripping
through
my fingers
sliding
down my arm
i want to feel
i want to know
that i exist
that i am someone
that i am loved
i want to
understand
why.
alas
i will never
understand
i cannot feel
i cannot be
i cannot know
why it is
i am the way i am
i cannot
feel the pain
because
if i allow
myself
to feel
i
won't be able
to return
again
from the edge
of the cliff
i want to jump
to feel
the wind
on my face
i want to
see the ground
rushing up at me
and have
the pain dissapear
in an instant
have everything
dissappear
i want the pain
i need the pain
i need to know
i am real

:: sydinator 2:41 PM [+] ::
...

death follows me
like a lost child
searching
me
making me
feel
like there's no point
in hoping
no point
in life
no point
in trying
why do
i continue on this
everlasting race
with death
:: sydinator 2:41 PM [+] ::
...

hyperventilation
shallow
breaths
again
and again
never ending
pain
sharp
pain
in my chest
i am falling now
passing out
from the pain
passing out
from the
air
rushing into my lungs
and out again
before
anything happens
turning blue
falling
into oblivion
never
looking back


:: sydinator 2:40 PM [+] ::
...

i am a horrible person
frozen
and cold
i feel sick
to my stomach
i betrayed her
i didn't mean to
it was an accident
but still.
i did it.
and i feel like crap
my heart is beating fast
and i am finding it hard to breathe
i know what it feels like
to be betrayed
and i can't believe
i did this.
i can't believe
i could do something
like this
i hurt her
and i am so sorry.
:: sydinator 4:55 PM [+] ::
...

i died
inside
the day i heard
that you went away
that you left me alone
that i would never see you again
i died
when they told me you were gone
i knew i had failed
my heart exploded
words failed me
i couldn't catch my breath
i died
when i realized
you would never speak to me again
that i would never
ever
get to hug you again
do you remember
when we hugged
5 times
that day
we found it so funny
i cherish moments
such as those
i remember
when you told me you loved me
did you mean it?
if you loved me
how could you break my heart?
how could you leave me?
i'm dead
because
i couldn't save you

erh.. yeah.. i wrote that the other day, i was thinking about him like all day.. *sigh* i miss him soo much.. bleh..
:: sydinator 9:21 PM [+] ::
...

gah! evil crap! not working? oh.. i see how it is.. grr.
:: sydinator 6:53 PM [+] ::
...

erm.. yeah.. this is my site.. don't forget to sign my guest book.. see the little button underneath the title that says "linkies" w00t. sign it.
:: sydinator 6:52 PM [+] ::
...

erh.. i forgot to post this one too.. whatever.
--
i can't handle this
pain
this utterly paralyzing sense
of foreboding
i can't take this life
i can't take the stress
i need my escape
the ever present remedy
just
beyond my grasp
i need to release
i need to forget
who i am
forget my suffering
in a moment of weakness
to see
the blackness inside of me
run through my fingers
in a crimson stream
to feel the water
falling from my eyes
pain
constant
consistant
throbbing
dull
in my chest
like i swallowed
a goat
i need
my soul
to die
and float away
so i cannot feel
so i cannot dream
i need to release
i am going to explode
burst into a million
zillion pieces
i hate this crap
i can't give in
i wish
i was strong enough to
continue on
but
i don't think i am
i need help
father
i need you to save me
please
i am drowning
sinking in the quicksand
carry me in your arms
and take me home
i don't want to imagine anymore

:: sydinator 4:45 PM [+] ::
...

yeah.. i actually posted these waaaay out of order.. but whatever.. it doesn't really matter now does it? the ones at the end are the most recent, and there are ones from a long time ago mixed in and more recent ones.. whatever.. here are my newest poemems. have fun.
:: sydinator 4:42 PM [+] ::
...

-Make Me New Again-
i'm dead to sin
alive in christ
free me lord
from this unrelenting sin
help me to completely let go
of the things of this world
and forcus on the things of you
let me be in the world
but not of the world
let me die to sin
and gain my new life in you
i want to be
everything you want me to be
let me show your love
to everyone i meet
wash away
all of the sins in my heart
and make me new again

:: sydinator 4:40 PM [+] ::
...

-Listening-
i need you lord
to speak to my heart
let me know
which direction
you want me to go
tell me the plans
that you have for me
let me know
what purpose
i have in this life
why am i here?
let me know your will
let me stand
as an example of you
among the masses
let me furthur your kingdom
i'm here
ready to be used
listening...

:: sydinator 4:38 PM [+] ::
...

-Life Without You-
its been 1 year
since i last saw you
1 year since you left this earth
i miss you josh
you were so funny
never ceasing to bring a smile to my face
there are so many memories
they make me laugh every time
i think of them
but those are all i have left of you
memories
its been so hard
living without you
going each day
without a hug from you
going each day
without your smile
there are no words
to describe
the impact you made on my life
to describe how much i love you
would be impossible
you were my brother
my friend
there is now a hole in my heart
that can never be filled
a void
you were one of the best people
i ever knew
and i will never forget you

:: sydinator 4:37 PM [+] ::
...

--
i feel pain
emptiness
the cold steel blade of despair
digging into my flesh
i'm so scared
and alone
where can i go
to be free of
these chains
dragging behind me
i try to run to you
only to fall on my face
it seems
there is no point
to try
and break these bonds
i'm not strong enough
alone
i am alone
always alone
i can't do this
its too hard
the pain is eating me away
constantly throbbing
i need my savior
my father
break these chains
i want to run to you
to find refuge in your arms
i can't do this father
its too painful
i will only end up falling
save me lord
i'm crying out to you

:: sydinator 4:36 PM [+] ::
...

-I Wish I Could Take It Back-
there are many things
running through my head
i don't know what to say
i'm at a loss for words
my stomach clenched
gripped with a dull ache
that just won't go away
i can't believe
i could be so heartless
so cruel
as to say things
to hurt you
i feel terrible
i never should have opened
my mouth
i never should've uttered a sound
it is better
for those thoughts
to sit and rot
where they were formed
than to run wild
rampaging
bringing pain to those i love
that is all i ever do
bring pain
it is my curse
no matter how hard i try
i end up hurting everyone
i'm so sorry
words cannot express
how thoroughly i hate myself
for hurting you
i know i don't deserve
forgiveness
but i pray
that you could see me
beneath the ugliness
of the words
and forgive
i love you
never forget that
and even if
you never want to talk to me again
i'll understand
but i will keep on loving you
no matter what

:: sydinator 4:36 PM [+] ::
...

-Night-
the quiet moon
presides over the blackness below
silver cloaked ghosts
roam freely
among the living
darkness consumes me
in a deathlike sleep
i shudder
feeling so cold
nightmarish figures
haunt me
lurking in the shadows
making me wonder
is it all
just a dream?
and then i awaken
with beads of sweat
running down my spine
the evil night
in its mischeviousness
preys upon the innocent
creatures lurking
everywhere you cannot see
plagueing you
with visions
of it's horror

:: sydinator 4:35 PM [+] ::
...

-Betrayal-
that feeling
the coldness
in the pit of my stomach
the gut wrenching pain
soul crushing despair
the piercing pain
of the knife in my back
blood dripping to the ground
landing in a pool
at my feet
tears fall slowly
down my cheeks
body wracking sobs
the unbelief
the horror
the pain
betrayal
feelings i can't handle
panic
hyperventilation
how could this happen
why would someone
who cares
hurt me in this way
it hurts so bad
breathing is unthinkable
all i want
is to sink
down to the depths
of darkness
to feel numb
anything to dull the pain
anything to stop the hurting
how could they?
how could they
do this if they loved me?
how could they make me feel
the agonizing sting
of betrayal

:: sydinator 4:35 PM [+] ::
...

-Pressing On-
i'm done
i'm through
i can't keep walking
this path of pain
hurting myself
everytime
i'm sad and alone
i need you father
to mend these holes
in my heart
put the pieces back together
take me in your arms
i give it all to you
every hurt
every tear
all my burdens
i give them all
i put them in your hands
strengthen me lord
give me the courage
to continue on
day after day
i won't give up
even if i fall
i will get back up again
and keep pressing on

:: sydinator 4:34 PM [+] ::
...

-Crawling-
i sit here
crying out to you
wondering how my life
became so messed up
how have i become so lost?
i've fallen father
so short of your glory
i do not deserve anything
you've given me
i am not worthy
of the love you show me
and the only thing
that keeps me moving
crawling really
is the realization
that no matter what i do
or how hopeless i am
no matter how many times i fall
you will still pick me up
and carry me when i'm too weak to walk
that you would still love me
when i don't love myself
that you would wipe away
everthing i've ever done wrong
and wash my blackened heart
and make me new again

:: sydinator 4:31 PM [+] ::
...

-I Know-
through the darkness
i hear you calling me
through the pain
you carry me
when i'm by myself
when i feel alone
i know
you will never leave me
i know
you will love me
no mater what i do
no matter how many times
i fall
no matter how many stupid things i do
or how many stupid things i say
and no matter how hard i try
i will never
be able to repay
you
forever indebted to you
for what you did for me
for the sacrifice you made
and i know
that when i wander away
when i stray from the path you have set out for me
that you will follow me
and you will never let me go

:: sydinator 4:31 PM [+] ::
...

-You Are There-
standing
in the midst of the crowd
knowing you are by my side
laying
awake in the middle of the night
knowing you are there
i'm hiding my eyes in shame
because of what i am
i'm falling on my knees
to praise you
for all you have done
i feel your arms
around me
no matter how
hopless life may seem
or how far
it seems i still have to go
you are there
always there
and despite all my iniquities
you love me anyway
my father
you paid the price
for me
a worthless sinner
there is nothing
i did
to earn your love
there is nothing
i can do
to make you stop loving me
and for that
i praise you

:: sydinator 4:31 PM [+] ::
...